On falling in love or Falling - in general

“Pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

Grey's Anatomy

It is precisely this moment, after I had a random glass of wine, that makes me want to go there and scream these words into your face, then surrender to the power of your will and make sweet, sweet love for the rest of the years between us; always the years, always the love, always the hours.

I can imagine that this is nothing new in the world of high rated emotion. It is dangerous, unpredictable and all these different, strong adjectives. But what no one can tell you is that it is the same - every time.

To fall in love - maybe this is why the verb FALL is used to describe the feeling. The moment you see it coming, it is like seeing that there is a hole in the road, a huge, black hole, the size of the Universe (for example). The road is marked with signs, flashing symbols, shining arrows pointing in all the different directions - which you see and ignore because what (?) the hormones make you loose any sense of preservation, survival or self-awareness. You just fucking jump.

And then say - shit.

Because it is only when you start falling (for a person) that you realize that you weren't ready. You also realize that your cell is out of battery, you never even had a parachute, and you're so young, you're not ready to jeopardize your existence.

***

So there are all these things going through the brain that is impossible to write about. I am not talking only about insecurity, this special weakness in the knees - and common sense - and the constant desire, but also the pictures of the ideal relationship, all the possibilities of breakfasts in bed, reading in bed, reading on a couch, reading on the terrace, eating on the terrace, eating and cooking, throwing flour at each other while fighting about who is doing the tempura, sharing a bowl of spaghetti in the ridiculous hope of having a “Lady and the Tramp” moment, singing the favorite song while in the shower, making love in the shower, showering before making love, showering after making love, washing teeth together, supporting one another after a hard day - while standing in the kitchen and cooking together before watching bad movies in bed, watching bad movies on the sofa, sharing a cigarette on the balcony after the spaghetti dinner which finally did end just like “Lady and the Tramp”, waking up next to a person, waking up next to the person; lying in bed and receiving a hug and just staying still, forever, feeling your breath caressing my skin and even when the position becomes slightly uncomfortable - I don't move.

***

And when I want to make all these things happen - I remember I have no control.

I am falling.

And I want to scream when the helplessness starts ripping my chest open.

But I don't.

I remember who I am. And where I am going.

And I take another step.

I let go.

Even though it makes me cry a bit.

Because I trust that if it needs me, it will find me. And I will just need to give a little push at the right moment. A little encouragement is all that will be needed.

So I relax and wait for the moment, ready for it to happen, with the little encouragement ready to be given at any given point, at a precisely given point. In time. And space.