On Love or How to survive

“and I don't care if you don't want me, I'm yours right now”

I put a spell on you, by Nina Simone

My heart is standing still in the vacuum of my chest.

Cleaning my ears didn't help.

Even the Sun didn't take away the sorrow.

It is about time. It is about a time. It takes place in a time. And has nothing to do with the space.

Tears are withheld somewhere inside. I can feel them wanting to reach my eyes but I stop them just before. I stop them. Pulling myself together and pushing through one more day. I am waiting for a release.

And I lied about the Sun, it does help a bit.

On trust or How to let go?

“The mind is so crowded with the known, which is the product of thought. The mind is filled with past knowledge, past experience, the whole of memory - which is a part of the brain - it is filled with the known. ... So when the whole mind, including the brain, is empty of the known, then you will use the known when it is necessary, but functioning always from the unknown - from the mind that is free of the known.”

Krishnamurti, the Impossible Question

Letting go of the mind is the most difficult process I have ever wanted to be a part of. The moment you decide to trust (believe?) rather than 'know' your way around is the one you keep coming back to. You need to keep making the choice over and over again. You. Me. Whoever wants to.

A constant fight with a habit of how one has been used to live up to the point of making the choice. That always comes back. Because you learn, you gather experience and you move on. In the curved space space.

And the intensity of the emotion that you come across. Emotion that you put away because they might hurt you. One protects oneself. And when you welcome the emotion, the first time is like a car crash. A beautiful intense emotion comes when least expected. And there is no good or bad, there is just observation, experience, letting go.

When it starts pulling to much you learn how to drop and move on.

And trust that what really needs to be a part of you will bounce back.

We know that we are energy. And we know how energy functions. So it is not so hard to imagine.

It takes a lot of imagination.

And it feels like life is over, you have no more control. You don't live in a box. And at first you have no idea who you are.

Matrix?

But slowly you start to recognize what is and what not. You make choices and you keep reminding yourself. And you sail.

You sail.

I sail.

Sun sails.

A list or Just needing or not

“Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.”

Sigmund Freud

I know that the Sun came out every day of my life.

I know that even if I learn how to sit on my eyelashes, 2 + 2 will give 4.

I know that Paganini is said to be one of the best violin players humanity has ever known.

I know that I am tired and ignoring it. Still want to read some texts.

I know that politics needs to exist.

I know that nothing really needs to be. We make it that way.

I know that necessary does not have to be the obvious and comfortable.

I know that love...

I know that all the happy families are all alike. Every unhappy family is unhappy in it's own way.

I know that cars tend to have 4 wheels.

I know that we can all agree that green is green - I also know that we don't know if what we all see is the one and the same green.

I know that Earth was considered to be flat for quite some time - and who can blame us for thinking so.

I know that bread and wine have been with us for so long. But will not mention Jesus at this point.

I know that Hiroshima, Nagasaki didn't need to happen.

I know that love...

I know that the Icelandic volcano is very persistent and kicking out ass.

I know that we, as humans, are so very fragile. Even the brain, yes, protected with a bit of skull - not the strongest material, bone.

I know that we all write 2010, but there are like a dozen calendars pointing to a different number.

I know that Nina Simone was one great woman.

I know that I don't really know so much.

I know that what I do know is safely stored is the grey mush in what I call my head. Go figure.

I know that all this is kind of pointless. And that it doesn't make me care less.

I know that it makes me care even more.

I know that we want beauty - no matter what you might think at this point.

I know that frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

I know that there is a lot of people out there who dislike chocolate.

I know that atoms are not the smallest particles, even though I was taught in school they were.

I know that I could go on forever.

I know that I will not because I am tired.

On Waiting or Why does it always rain on me?

“...They pull me back to the present and I realize that everything is exactly the way it was meant to be.”

A Single Man by Tom Ford

It has been right there

in front of my eyes

my skin wants to Burst with a Rapture o

nly the oldest of the Universe might imagine

Hold me Hold me Hold me

I scream But no body can listen

in this vacuum

of short life expectancy

Can happiness survive the pessimistic logic of the path Life itself is hopping on?

And still.

I believe.

That.

“Someday, he'll come along.”