Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, the Fellowship of the Ring
You come on stage and do something that nobody else can do. But more than that - finding it inside your self - what is it that I can do that no body else can do?
Technique is something all can achieve, one way or another, it “only” takes hard work and discipline. But then the big test comes. You use your technique for your artistry.
And what the fuck does that mean?!
I do understand the meaning of the words and the meaning of the whole sentence, but the focal point of my research here is the relationship between myself and myself, myself and the crowd, myself and my life, my life and my art.
These are all thoughts in process...
Because at this moment I gather the last couple of months of my life that will soon fulfill it's 21st year of existence which lead to this question -
WHAT - IS - MY - ART?!
And the answer to this question, how ever much I didn't really like to confess is
I - HAVE - NO - FUCKING - IDEA.
I have a lot of clues.
A lot of small opinions, small ideas that I would eventually like to realize, but not at all enough experience in the creative process of - creating - to be able to point at something and say - yes, this is mine. This is what I want to say.
Nothing that I have made so far has hit the point so clearly that I can bet my life on it - and this feels strange to say, for I did believe I made stuff I would be able to bet my life on...
There are traces of ideas that I can trace through basically all the work I have ever made.
And as I see how my work is developing, looking back like 7 years, I can see what I am interested in and I can also understand what I am interested in and why.
But I reacher a point of just waking up on a regular Wednesday and saying - ok, this has to stop. It's all or nothing as from now.
No compromises any longer.
No compromises as in I will not longer use the technique to practice technique but rather to search how do I want to use the technique to discover myself within something else that is not closed within walls of my mind.
And ok, it didn't just dawn upon me on a regular Wednesday. The thoughts have been gathering for a while now, but you think and you try to put the pieces together, then you “give up” and then you let them be - and puff, one day it makes sense.
The way of seeing the world started to change, I have to say.
Because it is no longer satisfying enough to make the yoga position happen, and then just because you can hold it that it makes you satisfied. Every asana becomes a whole different universe that turns your insides upside down.
And what a difference does it make in let's say holding a balance - for this balance is not only a balance of a dance step, it is a balance of your peace inside you that eventually makes it possible to stand on the demi point while doing God knows what with the rest of your body.
And yes, it is not this simple or banal.
It is then that you say - SHIT. I know so much. I have this ridiculous amount of facts stored within the grey mush we tend to call BRAIN but what am I doing with that?! How is it helping me - OR NOT - to live my life?
And this is the scary part I discovered.
It is not helping.
Or, if you look at it in a different way, it is.
It is helping me to hide and to fire back facts and technique whenever I feel compromised and not safe.
And I choose not to hide any longer.
In the end I choose to jump, whether I have a parachute - or not!
P.
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