“Letters are just pieces of paper,” I said. “Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”
Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood
I have been troubled by the notion of not taking responsibility.
But first I want to say something about the ability to raise an argument. I am doing my best in not trying to prove a point. But I am trying to understand how do some things work, as far as my knowledge allows me, and then simply question it. I don't find myself capable or razing what would I call a serious argument but still I learn by trying. Sure thing, I have opinions of different kinds but even them I do not hold close to my heart as in I would be part of a revolution. With my opinions I try to have a relationship. I test them and they survive - or not - and we all live happy. It is a constant flow of thought.
Only some specific emotion, ones I can not really describe, transcend the realm of all I can name and became something I don't even want to name if I see that the person I am talking to does not know them him or herself.
Writing is a kind of a new thing for me. I am still searching for a way of how to deal with it. I am searching to ways to compose. I am searching for ways to put ideas together and verbalize them. Verbalizing ideas is a process I find quite exhilarating. I am starting to have a desire to know more words, to know this language better so I can point to some things more precisely and in a more sensual way... somehow.
Funnily enough when thinking about writing I rarely think about writing in my mother tongue.
Going back to today's burning point.
As I already said, it has been the taking the responsibility or should I better say - avoiding the responsibility was the thing that started a line of questions that I still can't figure out. For not only does it happen in politics - and this alone is bad enough considering how much we depend on it - but it also happens in the academy I attend, an art school which is teaching art - so what could go wrong there? And it is precisely this expectation that I had that made it so big for me.
So many times have I seen that there's a problem and in dealing with it only the surface is taken care of. We clean only the visible. We correct only the most demanding piece of the problem. The rest can go on till somebody else steps on it and tries to make a change.
This way the problem is never solved and is never taken care of completely but lingers around forever.
But the most interesting moment actually occurs when one comes and tries to dig in - and someone protects the problem (usually a persona in a high position which feels threatened or maybe jeopardized!). At this point it stops being about the problem but about the egos - and this might be an interesting point. The Ego and How do I protect the weak thing I stand for?
For is it not that when you are a person who knows who she or he is - that the need to prove oneself or protect - completely disappears? But then who is so “strong” as to say that a mistake was made?
And talking from personal experience, and I am still only learning, the first time I dumped my ego and admitted a mistake was challenging but that was it. All the pain and agony I was expecting never came across. But still, it was difficult to make the decision and jump into the unknown space.
I think in circles nowadays but - it is more and more clear that the “circle of life” is not a fairy tale. All somehow does manage to intertwine and support and import and export but ... ah ... I guess one can also go into morality at this point.
Simple thought - even though the question I am seeking for lies hidden beneath a lot of mess.
Humanity and moral. What is moral?
And how did we get to ask the question of moral.
But I will not go into moral at this point even though I did want to point it out. Silly.
There are moments in lives in each and every one of us, I sincerely believe this, that we get to make a choice - a choice between doing it the easy way or the presumably the more complicated way. And why do we tend to choose the laziness over work? Why do we tend to choose shortcut even though in the end it is the longer and physically more demanding way? Why do we choose to make it shorter - even if the time span didn't allow us to go all the way so the thing falls apart and you need to do it all over again making the time of work double, triple and so on?
Why do we choose to do something that we don't really want to do and then we do it half way?!
Because in the end it is about making personal choices. It is about making decisions. And dealing with expectation. Our own or our own that we disguise in our mom's.
---> And seriously, I don't believe that the amount of people that does not make choices but f*** around is the actual amount of people who, for different reasons, CAN'T make choices.
P.
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