On Difficulties or How now brown Cow?

“I'm going back to New York city, I do believe I had enough.”

Just like Tom Thumb's Blues, Nina Simone after Bob Dylan

What do you do when your actually - lost in Juarez and it's Easter time too. And your gravity fails and negativity don't pull you through.

Working with this feeling of wanting to break something but there are knots holding you down. And when I am not talking about killing someone but rather having the feeling that my own personal freedom has been cut off for the sake of I don't know what... The School. The Rules. The Rules which are misnamed as Universal when actually they apply differently for each Individual when we have already established that there is no actual Individualism - we are a Group - we learn by repetition and we make New by repeating the Old. And this makes me angry. Sad. Lonely. Eager. Disappointed. Very disappointed.

And being disappointed means I had different expectation.

Kind of like talking about the Army yesterday evening. This question of - applying to be a part of an organization which is mainly there for the purpose of war.

Point One - in 2010, with all our internet, science, knowledge, diplomacy - we are still at war. We are still a species who is able to hate and kill. And not only kill for food, territory but also for the sake of it - or even worse - for the pleasure of it - the pleasure of feeling powerful. But isn't this what distinct us from the animal world - the ability to think rationally?

Point Two - in 2010, if you join the army what purpose are you exactly eager to fill? If there is no war, do you join to get ready and then you pump and pump till there is war? So basically you are investing the energy in attracting war? And if there is war and you want to join - so consciously you are going to support this mess of violence, money and power? And not only that but you are consciously getting your self into a life threatening situation?

Which brings me to the Point Three - in 2010, there are still countries that don't have a professional army but they collect penises that just came of age in which they have no choice, no voice but to listen and go. And what about countries that do that even with vaginas? I mean, there you have it, a completely old, completely new notion of Gender. A completely different universe I can not figure out.

There is knowledge enough. And I don't understand how come when you know something and have an idea - the powerful one is so fast in not giving you the time of day - and can actually feel the threat from the idea?!

Why do we keep acting so stupid - is a question that makes me disappointed and mildly depressed - because I see it all the time but I don't UNDERSTAND it. I can not understand as I can understand that 1+1=2. I know the math, and I know that every time I put and apple next to an apple - I will have two apples - and no body gets hurt, no body gets sick, injured, pressured, discriminated.

Reading recommendation - Atonement by Ian McEwan and Lord of the Flies by William Golding.

Lord of the Flies was a book that really hit the soar spot. And it was not the island or the boys or even when they start killing each other - all these things I did expect but the character of Piggy was the one to make the difference. And not because he is the Smart one or even because he is bullied for being fat - but because without his spectacles he is as good as blind - but the spectacles can make fire happen - so they get stolen. They got stolen when the issue of making fire was never really a question - for it was in no ones benefit that there was no smoke signal - and yet the situation let to war and violence and the Reason, the Common Sense were soon as good as gone.

In the end the book only confirmed that it is hard work to be honest, truthful and patient - but it only enhanced the weakness of all there words when it meets the passion of power.

Here I might have a point.

The passion of the honest, humble, simple, the passion of love seeks no proof. And power does. So in order to prove itself it must concur and win - but tell me, reader, who actually cares?

Because it all comes back to us. I am the only one that can really confirm that I won and that I am powerful - but only in weaker peoples fear and more powerful peoples pride. But the most powerful will wont the power of their own. And so we build the world of capitalism, isn't it!?

Even it comes to studying arts.

For money is involved, after all. Subsidies, financial support, scholarships.

And money does make the world go round.

Apparently.

P.

On Love.

“Come back. Come back to me.”

Atonement, Ian McEwan

Laughter. Laughter.

Days turn into nights.

Sun. Sea. Tasty food. Smell of lavender. Waves. Waves hitting the stone.

Laughter.

The eyes meet under the blinding light. The gaze. Rests.

Nights turn into days.

Laughter. Laughter. Laughter.

They are lying opposite each other. Finally. The window is wide open letting the soft summer breeze cool their overheated bodies. Hands are being held. Eyes closed.

Lips and being thought of. But no body moves.

He is opening his eyes. Seeing her in front of him, so close, brings a smile to his face. A calm, content smile. The corner of his lips widen but they don't part. Slowly, heavily breathes out. Closes his eyes.

Moves his head carefully ever-so-slightly forwards. Rests.

Time. The breeze licks her for a second, cold air, surprise. Opens her eyes.

Moves her head towards him. A bit. Like nothing happened.

Bites her lip. But he sleeps. So tonight, she is guessing, is not the night.

Oh the sweet sorrow of time. Impatient. Clumsy.

Holds his hand even tighter even though the temperature is... de-concentrating.

Time. Eyes get tired.

Just one last look at him. He moves forwards. So close. But he sleeps.

She closes her eyes.

He moves closer. There it is. He can feel the air coming from her lungs to his lips. So close.

This air that fills my longs has just left her.

Has just left her.

All the hair on his body rises in a single moment.

All the hair on her body rises in a single moment.

The lips. Almost there. So he is not asleep.

I know they are there. Just in front of me. I just need to move... No.

Not yet.

Let me feel your breath. Let me hear your heartbeat.

There is no wind. There is no sound. The sea is still. The moon is gone.

Only stars.

Only stars.

Calm. All relaxes. All sinks into the soft bed sheets.

Only the slightest movement. Tip of the nose.

Rest.

Rest there and feel the satisfaction of the skin. This particle of the skin on the tip of your nose.

Rest.

And then. Then. The tips of the lips made an electrical response between the bodies. Rests. Rests there. Rests.

And sleeps.

Next to me.

On Life or What is 2010?

“Letters are just pieces of paper,” I said. “Burn them, and what stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish.”

Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

I have been troubled by the notion of not taking responsibility.

But first I want to say something about the ability to raise an argument. I am doing my best in not trying to prove a point. But I am trying to understand how do some things work, as far as my knowledge allows me, and then simply question it. I don't find myself capable or razing what would I call a serious argument but still I learn by trying. Sure thing, I have opinions of different kinds but even them I do not hold close to my heart as in I would be part of a revolution. With my opinions I try to have a relationship. I test them and they survive - or not - and we all live happy. It is a constant flow of thought.

Only some specific emotion, ones I can not really describe, transcend the realm of all I can name and became something I don't even want to name if I see that the person I am talking to does not know them him or herself.

Writing is a kind of a new thing for me. I am still searching for a way of how to deal with it. I am searching to ways to compose. I am searching for ways to put ideas together and verbalize them. Verbalizing ideas is a process I find quite exhilarating. I am starting to have a desire to know more words, to know this language better so I can point to some things more precisely and in a more sensual way... somehow.

Funnily enough when thinking about writing I rarely think about writing in my mother tongue.

Going back to today's burning point.

As I already said, it has been the taking the responsibility or should I better say - avoiding the responsibility was the thing that started a line of questions that I still can't figure out. For not only does it happen in politics - and this alone is bad enough considering how much we depend on it - but it also happens in the academy I attend, an art school which is teaching art - so what could go wrong there? And it is precisely this expectation that I had that made it so big for me.

So many times have I seen that there's a problem and in dealing with it only the surface is taken care of. We clean only the visible. We correct only the most demanding piece of the problem. The rest can go on till somebody else steps on it and tries to make a change.

This way the problem is never solved and is never taken care of completely but lingers around forever.

But the most interesting moment actually occurs when one comes and tries to dig in - and someone protects the problem (usually a persona in a high position which feels threatened or maybe jeopardized!). At this point it stops being about the problem but about the egos - and this might be an interesting point. The Ego and How do I protect the weak thing I stand for?

For is it not that when you are a person who knows who she or he is - that the need to prove oneself or protect - completely disappears? But then who is so “strong” as to say that a mistake was made?

And talking from personal experience, and I am still only learning, the first time I dumped my ego and admitted a mistake was challenging but that was it. All the pain and agony I was expecting never came across. But still, it was difficult to make the decision and jump into the unknown space.

I think in circles nowadays but - it is more and more clear that the “circle of life” is not a fairy tale. All somehow does manage to intertwine and support and import and export but ... ah ... I guess one can also go into morality at this point.

Simple thought - even though the question I am seeking for lies hidden beneath a lot of mess.

Humanity and moral. What is moral?

And how did we get to ask the question of moral.

But I will not go into moral at this point even though I did want to point it out. Silly.

There are moments in lives in each and every one of us, I sincerely believe this, that we get to make a choice - a choice between doing it the easy way or the presumably the more complicated way. And why do we tend to choose the laziness over work? Why do we tend to choose shortcut even though in the end it is the longer and physically more demanding way? Why do we choose to make it shorter - even if the time span didn't allow us to go all the way so the thing falls apart and you need to do it all over again making the time of work double, triple and so on?

Why do we choose to do something that we don't really want to do and then we do it half way?!

Because in the end it is about making personal choices. It is about making decisions. And dealing with expectation. Our own or our own that we disguise in our mom's.

---> And seriously, I don't believe that the amount of people that does not make choices but f*** around is the actual amount of people who, for different reasons, CAN'T make choices.

P.