To do it or Not to do it

“Look for God. Look for God as the man with his head on fire looks for water.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat, Pray, Love”

I have been looking for God for so long. Then I met him and we became friends. Then I started to see how my life is changing. I have been becoming calmer, safer. I didn't feel lonely anymore. And I have started to ask questions about what I want and how do I want to do that. Was I happy or was I said. I was trying to write this huge article on pleasure but that will have to wait because NEWSFLASH, my faith in myself got tested today. So tested.
And it survived and is still alive and well.

It is usually the moment when I feel that I have learned something new in my life, something spiritual, most often, and got it into practice - that the feeling get's tested. Immediately is usually when I get a stone put in front of myself - as if life is saying: “So you think you can dance. Let me see you dance, then!” Well, today I did my dance. My decision, which was supposed to be the smallest and the most quiet turned out to rock my life. When I was caught leaving a class and asked why I didn't say “Because I'm tired.” but instead I said the real reason which is implying that I know a thing or two about rhythm and dance, that I am making a decision for myself in a place I was not supposed to be making decisions for myself. It implied that I had a wish and that I was going for it. (The article I gave up on for a moment is precisely about making a wish and feeling worthy of making the wish. Then going for it. Or not.)
In the face of a theater drama performance about me being like this and like that and where did I get the idea I could make this decision is where instead making a run or agreeing and letting go of everything I believed in - I stood up for myself, calmly, and with pride.

I was calm. And I said what I was thinking about. And I was calm.

Surely you can imagine what are the consequences I have to deal with after receiving a sentence like “If you ever wanted to make an enemy of someone, well, now you made one.”...
But let me ask you - aside the discussion - “enemy”... “enemy” ... I don't want to make an enemy of anyone! But I do want to be able to express what I feel.

I am not the most literate today and basically what I want to get across is that this moment is hard. This moment in which you make a decision and go for it and even when you could run your life into a hard, brick wall - makes so much sense! Being calm makes you firm and this makes the other person crazy, so now I have an enemy, but I stood up and I had a point and it feels great!

I was talking about responsibility! Now I can connect to that - this is the point when responsibility tends not to feel good. It doesn't feel comfortable. I could jeopardize my place in this school, for a start. Which is basically why all the rest of my life works (school gives the certificare, the commune takes the certificate, gives out a viza. school gives scholarship, scholarship pays apartment. and so on...)...

But is all of that worth being in the school where a teacher makes an enemy of you for making a statement, a decision, a wish?!
Well, I will answer this one for you - NO!